Right now
I am not liking being Mom.
Right now
I am not liking my sons
Right now
I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but am not, because I am an emotional un-eater.
Right now
I am so angry at so many things and I have no idea who I can vent to that will understand. No. Not even you.
Right now
I am so angry that my stupid womb doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to because then maybe I would have a baby or two in my arms already and I wouldn’t have put myself in the position of being Mom to two very hurt boys.
Right now
I can’t do it anymore.
Right now
I’m hiding in my dad’s room alone. Alone here in Minnesota. No one within 240 miles who would have any idea how to help me.
Right now
I’m glad that it’s sunny outside because that is where my boys will be until they can talk to me the way I deserve, but I’m kinda wishing it were raining so they would be more motivated.
Right now
I’m dreading the next 8 years and wondering if I have the strength to do this every day. Every day. I can’t think of every day.
Right now
I am trying to pray to God about what the heck I can do with these children He has given me, but I don’t know how to hear Him right now.
Right now
I want to lock the doors and take off to town. But I won’t.
No. I don’t want pity. Yes. I do want prayer. No I don’t want “I told you so’s” or “Are you sure you can handle this?” or “Was this really wise?” No. I don’t need that.
Yes. I do want “I’ve been there.” Yes, I do want “God will give you the strength.” And “How can I help?”
Right now, Gabe’s punching bag would be helpful. Or someone with strong ears that won’t bleed.
Blessings! (Of better days than this.)
Hannah
1 hour later
Right now
I am feeling calmer.
I ate the bowl of ice cream, and it was good.
Gabe is calm. Apologized. Eating spaghetti.
Jeremiah is not calm. Nor am I counting on him calming anytime before Thursday.
I just won wheel of fortune in my room.
I’m talking to Christine. We are comparing our sucky days.
4 Hours Later
Christine and I chatted for 2 hours. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Mourning so many things. Realizing I am not alone.
I avoided my youngest at all cost, but ended up having to deal with him any way after he jumped out the window….again.
I lost it. Didn’t want to. Not in front of him. Shouldn’t have, probably, but right now I don’t see how it could have been avoided.
Either he understands a little better, or he is just pretending and setting up his next plan.
Right now I’m feeling horrible for feeling that way about my son.
But he did show me where he hid the keys…that he thought were house keys but really weren’t.
Sneaky.
But right now I am just glad to know that someone I admire greatly has been through these feelings too. And survived.
Survived.
And Gabe apologized AGAIN! That’s a good thing. Amazing thing.
I want Hubby. Even worse than my baby blankie.
Oh! Niacin! Totally picking some up tomorrow.
sorry to hear you and the boys are having a rough time sending lots of prayers your families way.
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah…I know you know God would have never blessed you with those children if He didn’t think you could and would do it. Yes, we all struggle. I’ve struggled many times with everything that’s been going on over here while being a mom. It’s natural. We’re all human. There are times we’re going to feel like we can’t go on. I personally think you’re amazing for taking those children into your loving arms. You’re such a wonderful mother!
They’re trying to get you having babies still right? It’s all gonna work out! God has a truly wonderful plan for you and with perfect timing. Just focus your heart on Jesus and you’re whole world will be taken care of.
Even if those two boys are upset, they still love you. Just think where they’d be without you! You did a great thing. I know you can do it Hannah.
p.s. if anyone says “I told you so” I wouldn’t listen to them because they never had faith in you that you could do it to begin with! You CAN do it!
Hannah, I feel your frustration. That youngest boy of yours can be really tough. Hang in there. Summer seems to be a rougher time for him. I never did get the sneaking out thing, but that’s what he does. Wouldn’t it just be easier for him to ask? Just waiting for something to click that says ” why not wait and ask, instead of jumping out my window”. We often think of him and how he is doing. He is a tough case. I will say lots of prayers for the both of you. I am so glad the oldest isn’t quite as much of a handful.
we all have bad days and good days. but we just have to keep trying and it’ll all work out for the best.your boys love you very much and it may not always seem like it but i know at least your older one is trying very hard to be better. just keep your chin up and remember the good things.