Dear Dad,
Daddy.
I miss you.
Today is the day we who are still stuck here in this mortal coil will remember the day you were born. You would have been 56 today. Let me double check that on FB. Yup. I think I’m right. Reading the posts on your FB page shows so much about who you were, although I’m not sure if some of the commenters realize that you’ve gone home. Sometimes I don’t realize you’ve gone home.
Your wife and some of your kiddos went to your birthplace today. I wish we could have joined them. Things are so tough right now. Do you know that? are you interceding for us? How does that work? I wonder if you are weeping for us right now. But there’s no sadness in His presence, right? Well, I know you would have wept with us if you were here. Wept for your grandson who seems so far beyond our reach right now. Oh, Daddy, this is not what you would have wanted for us. Although, I’m trying desperately to hold onto God’s promises, it’s so hard to not feel beyond His reach sometimes. You had so many big dreams for me, and I’m terrified that all that is crashing down forever. I wonder if that’s why you were taken early, to save you from this heartache.
There is some joy though, Daddy. Baby E is such a ray of sunshine in this darkness. I told her a Tommy story as I rocked her to sleep last night. It was about you. I hope I can tell them to her for the rest of her life, or as long as she’ll let me, or as long as the Lord lets me. I want to be her mommy, Dad. I am wondering so often lately what God is doing, and He keeps challenging me more and more to lay everything, EVERYTHING on the altar. As I laid this precious baby girl in her cradle the other night I felt like Abraham laying Isaac on the altar, sacrificing her to Him. My hands are as open as I know how, but this is the deepest heart struggle I’ve ever had.
Will you be proud of me? Oh, I hope so.
You would love her so much, Daddy. She has bright blue eyes, and the longest eye lashes you’ve ever seen on a baby. She smiles and the whole world stops to smile back. She loves your son-in-law. She has melted his heart and the Lord is using her to melt his fears, although fear is something there is so much of right now. She carries a supernatural joy about her. Seriously, this girl already has such a connection to the Spirit. I know that all cute babies attract attention, but we’ve never witnessed a child who draws people to her like Baby E does. I believe she is what you would have wanted for me; for our family. So we wait to see what God has planned, and try to trust. I am trying to trust.
Oh, I just thought of something! I should make pumpkin pie in your honor! 🙂
I still expect you to call me. I expected you to call me a remind me that it was getting close to your birthday. 🙂 Funny. I actually remembered this year. I remember you telling me how your heart ached every year on your parents’ birthdays, and the anniversaries of their home-goings. I am starting to understand. This will be a long journey, won’t it? I feel so young right now, and you left so soon. I mean, obviously God knew what He was doing taking you home when He did, but I feel like I still had so much to learn from you. I needed to learn more about who I am, and you knew me so well. I know that this pushes me to learn that from my Heavenly Father, but I heard his voice so clearly when you spoke with His wisdom. My heart burns knowing that this journey is going to be so hard. Perseverance. Character. Hope. HARD!
I’m learning to hold onto Jesus, Dad. He won’t give up, right? He didn’t give up on you, and now you are seeing His face. Oh, how I want to see His face.
Anywho, Dad, I love you. I hope to see you soon. I’m looking to the East so much more often now.
Love always,
Your Hanna Rae
