Finding rhythm

I was disappointed in myself because I ran out of posts and comics and just couldn’t get one done for my self-imposed deadlines. I got discouraged. Here I go again, messing up. Not being disciplined enough to get it done.

Then Hubby gave me a gift of grace, “Just be authentically you,” he said, “Write your heart. That is what is most impactful.” He was right, and I needed to hear it from him. What he thinks of me is the most important thing to me, outside of what God thinks of me, and that is a deep well of wonder.

This week has been a rough whirlwind. Mr. B and I started a new therapist that I am trying so hard to give a chance to help without discounting her outright. She listens well. That’s a good start.

Last Sunday night I got a desperate text from Lil’ D’s Mom saying that she needed me to come get him ASAP, so Monday morning Mr. E and I had a whirlwind 11 hour day of going to pick Lil’ D up, getting essential paperwork signed, and driving the 4 hours back home. Hubby tracked me the whole time, because he does that, and kept encouraging me with texts of “You’re making great time!” Which honestly were way more motivating and encouraging than I expected them to be. I giggled at myself for being motivated by his little “Way to go!” Texts. Like I said, what he thinks about me matters a whole lot. When I got home with the boys almost exactly 11 hours after I left, Hubby literally high-fived me, which again, made my heart smile.

Lil’ D, who is Mr. D and Mr. E’s half-brother, is doing fine. He has moments of homesickness, but overall he is just enjoying being loved on and playing with his brothers. There is only a 14 month difference between Mr. D and Lil’ D, and only 16 months more between Mr. D and Mr. E, so they are a whirlwind of intense little boy energy. But they keep each other occupied and mostly out of major trouble, so that is a good thing.

So we are finding new rhythm. Even though this time with Lil’ D in our home is likely quite temporary, we don’t do “guests” in our home. If you are in our home, you are part of our family. That means that dynamics change. Little things that one doesn’t often consciously think about suddenly become more forefront. Like seating arrangements for example. We eat 2-3 meals at our dining room table every single day, so seating arrangements at the table have had to be adjusted. Lil’ D and Mr. D need to be within my arms reach to keep some sense of order, so that means that older kids have had to shift further away from me. For the most part they have been flexible, but Ms. A especially has been missing being close to me.

Transportation seating has also had to be shifted. Lil’ D is still in a 5-point car seat, which means his spot is permanent, but everyone else is in boosters and can move around. Unfortunately, since Mr. B is the biggest he is the only one who can sit in the middle seat in the back where a booster can’t fit. This has become majorly problematic because having Mr. B and Ms. A next to each other with their individual sensory and control issues is causing major conflict. Like, Mom has to pull over before there is bloodshed kind of conflict.

So I told Hubby in very certain terms that if Lil’ D ends up staying for much longer we will need to take the step toward our Transit dream before we have a major incident. No joke. It’s just not an option to try to make it work.

One more kid can change everything.

There are definitely some benefits to getting your rhythms disrupted every now and then too. First of all, Hubby and I are both more conscious about our yelling and harshness toward the other kids. There is still plenty of correction going on, but lots of connection too. Lil’ D has been through more than I can fathom in his 4 little years of life, so it is essential for us to provide as calm and peaceful of a home for him as is realistically possible. But reality is we are simply working toward consistency and stability. Like I said, there are no guests in our home. Lil’ D needs more teaching and guidance of expectations, and obviously he is at a different developmental stage than even his 6 year-old brother, but he is held to the same rules and standards that our other kids are. Why? Because he belongs. But his presence makes me take a step back and remember that I need to slow down and explain things clearly and consistently. It’s always good when you can pause and remember how you have decided to respond. More on that another time I’m sure.

So for now, we find our new rhythm. Appointments, swimming lessons, therapies, tutoring, table time, worship, friends, learning and growing. Rhythms. Oh, and sleep. Plenty of sleep.

I’ll end with a quote from Lil’ D yesterday when we were getting ready for our afternoon gathering at the table “I loooove table time!” Because he belongs. For a little while or for a long while in our home, he always belongs.