Disclaimer: I love my parents very very much. I love my step-parents very very much. This post is in no way meant to hurt my wonderful parental units. It is, however, meant to give an older child’s point of view on the very hurtful nature of divorce. (All) Parents everywhere need to know what happens to the heart of a child when they make choices that change a child’s life forever. Read with caution, but with an open heart.
Disclaimer cont’d: I understand that there are times when a divorce IS in the best interest of the family, such as abuse and other severe issues. This post is NOT referencing those situations. If you have been through a situation like that, I pray God’s strength and healing all over you.
Dear Parents, (All parents. Everywhere. Christian parents. Non-Christian parents. Everyone.)
Divorce sucks! It hurts children. It hurts young children and adult children. Even when the divorce happened so long ago that you can’t remember what it was like when your family was whole, it still hurts. Even when, ESPECIALLY when your children are grown and on their own, their hearts are still healing, and still breaking. It effects us. It changes how we think and how we feel FOREVER! It changes how we see love, and how we see marriage, and children, and promises, and lies, and truth…and God. It brings fear at the strangest, most inopportune times. It tempts us to quit, because you did. Divorce hurts.
Please don’t think that you can avoid this hurt by waiting to get divorced until your children are older. It doesn’t help. It hurts worse. Imagine being a young adult, having all your memories being rooted in a wonderful, though not perfect, two parent family and then suddenly having a parent call you and tell you it’s all over. Will that be easier? To suddenly look on all your childhood memories with sadness? To suddenly have to worry about how your own kids are going to have to visit grandma and grandpa separately? Is it fair to your adult child to show them that even after 30 years of marriage, that it wasn’t worth it? It doesn’t make sense to us that whatever got you through 30 years of marriage suddenly isn’t enough. It doesn’t make frickin’ sense!
If you were a parent who sat down with your kids and told them that divorce was not an option for your family, if you made the point to tell them that divorce is wrong, if you took the time to impress on your child’s heart that God wants something better for His people, if you did all that and then decided to go against your own words and get divorced, you better have the courage to sit down again, look your children in the eyes, and explain to them why your words meant nothing….because your kids were listening. They remember. They will remember for years.
Don’t worry, your kids still love you. They are hurting, and will be for years, but they still love you. Don’t expect it to be easy. Don’t expect the words “I forgive you.” to come cheaply. Please, expect their forgiveness. Understand that you need it from them, even if the divorce was not your choice. It’s something that their hearts are dealing with, and that’s the Holy Spirit’s job.
Don’t put them in the middle. I know this is commonplace to say, but it’s so true. Even adult kids can not handle hearing hurtful things about one of their parents, whom they love. Being honest about hurts is fine, and can be helpful, but hurtful words, especially about someone else that your child loves, are still hurtful.
I write this because I have a friend that is hurting right now, and her parents need to know that she is hurting. I write this because I discovered a couple of weeks ago that there are only 4 people in our entire home group of 20+ whose parents are still together. I write this because my generation needs to heal from our own hurts so we can stop the hurts of our children before they happen…again.
Lord, help us heal. All of us.
Blessings!
Hannah
I hear you. I am finding as an adult that my parent’s divorce has affected me in more ways than I originally thought. They waited until I was a teenager to protect me, but that is a very delicate time to have your foundation shaken, and I think that my relationships have been affected because of it. I have been in the middle for a long time, but I have finally found the courage to demand that my son, their grandson, never feels that pulling from both sides. They’re both happier now, and I think we have all nearly found or peace, but divorce is family-shattering.
Thank you for the warning/disclaimer. But thank you even more for sharing your heart, and caring for your friend. I know that for me, I find that I am MUCH less judgmental toward those who have gone through divorce than I was before you were born…
Even in divorce, some blessings can remain… such as bringing you and your sisters and your brother into the world. In doing that, your mom and I did an awesome job! I am so proud of you.
Thanks for the words